that time of year again!

Normally at this time of year I am anxiously checking the mailbox every day, hoping to see a familiar package and receive my long-awaited update from Rebecca's family. This year, I had hardly even realized how close her birthday was and the package was already in my hand!
For the first time in this 12 year journey of adoption, I read through the lengthy letter and perused the piles of photos multiple times...without tears! Each year, the pain has moved farther from my mind and the joy of seeing her develop and become this amazing person has overtaken any pain that remains. At twelve years old, this young lady holds so much strength and maturity that it amazes me! Not to mention how scary it is to look at some of the pictures and take a double-take to make sure it isn't a self portrait.
Through the 12 years of this journey, I have received so many questions. But there are two that seem to be the most frequent...Do I regret anything about that time, my decision or her life, and...Doesn't it make it more painful to see pictures and know all that I am missing out on?
One of my biggest mantras in life is to live with no regrets! When we regret choices or things we have done, if left unresolved, it festers into bitterness and negativity. Both of those are so easy to fall into, but leave a person crippled and never fully able to embrace life. I can honestly say that I regret nothing about this journey...especially nothing about her life! I am guilty of making poor choices, or of trying to live life for the purposes I was creating. All of that selfishness lead to natural consequences. There were weeks, months and years of pain, but that pain lead me to a beautiful place. That pain allowed me to be honest with myself and find the person God intended me to be. If I hadn't gone through the pain of those years, I would have missed out on so many lessons. God can redeem anything...if we allow Him to.
We live in a society that goes against all that adoption stands for. In my job, I find myself doing more education about the realities and myths of adoption rather than actual counseling. The openness factor is an area that most people can't get their heads around. How could it be helpful and healing for a hurting birthmom to see pictures of her child, or better yet to have visits with their child? Like all things, the absence of information leads to the creation of information. If we don't have the ability to know something, we will form our ideas about it in our minds. If I could not see pictures of Rebecca and her family, I would develop my own. And the reality is, what we would create could never compare to the real thing. Seeing the joy on her face as she accepted her 5th grade diploma could never have been the same if I made it up in my mind. So, although the grief is real, pictures and information help heal that pain by giving real information to uncertainty.
These are all things I have known for years, living this journey of adoption. But in the short 5 months that I have been entrenched in the world of adoption, it has become so much more obvious to me. I still miss being home with my kids. I still have nights when I have worked 10+ hours and haven't seen my kids when I wonder why the Lord has me here. There are still mornings after I have answered Nate's daily question of, "Mommy, you staying home today?" when I cry on my way to the office. Recently, with staff changes and adding to my already crazy schedule another full-time position of working with birthmoms it has been easy to throw my hands up and say that I give up. But I know He created me for this. I know He has brought me to this point for a purpose. So, I take joy in the amazing blessings of this job and trust that He's got the details figured out. I've concluded that balance is not something I can obtain right now, but I can juggle...and I get better at it each day!