Ugly cry, anyone?

****Update****

The agency called Thursday stating there was a "miscommunication" about the overnight process. They assured me (not really trusting their assurances at this point) it will be here Friday morning.

Original post...

During my "Esther" study, Beth Moore talked one week about having an ugly cry. You know...the kind that sometimes comes when you least expect it, or better yet, when you totally expect it but wish to God He would make it stop? The kind that hits so fast and hard that you don't even have time to take a quick breath before you are an all-out blubbering mess? I remember laughing during that session because we can all remember a time when the ugly cry hit us, right? Today was my day!

A little history for you...as part of the adoption agreement when I placed my daughter for adoption 11 years ago, I agreed to receive a letter and picture every year on her birthday. I feel totally blessed that I am given that gift. Even 25 years ago when women placed their children for adoption they were not given the option of having future correspondence. My heart breaks for those women, as I can not fathom the pain of never knowing any details...never seeing a smiling face to comfort their loss. To say seeing pictures of Audrey has become important and necessary for me would be an understatement. It heals the pain, it comforts the ache I have for her, it gives me assurance that this plan was best for her and it gives me hope that we will see one another face to face someday.

The first year I received them every 3 months, and then each birthday that followed. "The package" has become a common topic of conversation in our home. Sadly, in the 11 years since Audrey was born, the package has arrived on time maybe 3 of those years. This year was true to form!

Do you ever get gut feelings that something isn't right? I get them often...frequently, even. I had a gut feeling from the middle of March that my package would be late. I just knew it. But I kept hoping for good news. I spoke with the agency 4 times today and my gut was right. The seemingly sweet women tried to explain that the error was theirs and it would be re-sent. I requested her to send it over-night...assuming that was reasonable. Her response was not as reasonable as one may hope as she explained that the money wasn't available to do that and it would "simply be a few more days"...ENTER THE UGLY CRY!

There is no good way to explain the emotions involved with the arrival of the package, really. I assumed that if anyone would understand, an adoption agency would. When I was told to wait a few more days, that was the final straw! Every deep rooted emotion and memory was brought to the surface and I lost it. I am thankful that I chose adoption for my daughter, I am thankful for the story we have created, I am confident that she is in the best place, I am hopeful we will create a relationship someday down the road. Even with that, there is a piece of my heart so firmly grounded in the knowledge that each and every year on her birthday I will see her face and hear stories of her daily life. When it doesn't happen, the pain is real. One more day is too long to wait.

Thanks to a slobbering, teary-eyed phone conversation with my sister and a final call from the director of the agency, I am ok! The package was sent over-night and should be here tomorrow. As my sister reminded me today, my experience with my own adoption story (even the ugly cry sections) will hopefully help me be a better advocate for my clients. Sometimes I think people get so caught up in doing things "by the book" that they fail to see the human emotion involved. I hope my heart will always be sensitive to the hurt of others and the reality it holds for them. I hope I never cause someone else to have an ugly cry. I hope tomorrow brings tears of joy!