Welcoming our "Flower"

I have started and re-started this post a few times. The reality is, for some reason...I haven't been ready to share the events of our special day. I haven't figured out why. I have wanted to keep things within our little family and wrap them up like a cacoon. I have this desire to keep every little detail a secret and somehow in doing that, it seems like the memory may last longer or be more meaningful. Like how I can't seem to delete my "pregnancy ticker" at the top of my blog that says I am still pregnant. Sometimes it just feels like things are so sacred and significant that attempting to put them into words lessens their importance...maybe that's just me (or the hormones). But because it was such a beautiful day and Samantha will benefit from being able to read what simple words I can conjure to retell it...I press on.

On July 30, 2010 our family added our fifth member. A member we did not plan for or anticipate. We had thrown the idea around about adding a third child, but never really came to a final decision. Instead, the decision was made for us. Samantha Grace made her entrance into the world at 10:59am. Some may think that being the fourth child I have delivered, the events and memories of that day are simple or routine, which is far from the truth. It doesn't matter how many times you witness a child entering the world, it is a pure miracle and something to be celebrated. I have been induced for all four of my kids, so there was no surprise or middle of the night phone calls. The night before I always get very anxious, wondering if we are playing a card too soon or risking the child's health in some way. I am slightly a realist, and I allow my mind to wander to bad places. With very little sleep, I began that day at 4:30am. There were a lot of last minute preparations...getting bags packed for all 4 of us, wrapping "surprises" for the big kids to open while they stayed with Nanny and Papa, last minute work emails.
We arrived at the hospital at 6am. After 3 weeks of going there for non-stress-tests twice a week, I was greeted by security guards and staff who were glad it was finally "THE DAY!" We were taken to a room where it all began. Paperwork was discussed and signed. Consents were explained. The biggest decision of the morning was whether or not to have an epidural. And based on my previous deliveries, I had to decide right away in order to have enough time for it to take effect. Once the doctor gets me started, my babies come FAST. I had never had one with the other deliveries. I was never trying to be a hero, but assumed an epidural would extend my fast labors and I didn't want that. I had talked about possible scenarios with many people in the weeks leading up to this day and finally made the decision that I would get one.

My mid-wife broke my water around 8:40am and started pitocin. I was just over 3 cm at that point and contracting on my own. The anesthesiologist came soon after 9 to administer the epidural. Mike almost passed out while they were giving me my initial IV, so he left the room for the big guns. I was nervous the whole time he was doing it. Again, I let my mind wander to the most negative outcomes. Truly, getting my IV was much more painful.
Mike came back in and sat next to me. We were each reading books and talking about how surreal the whole thing felt. Around 9:45 my nurse asked if I was feeling contractions, as they were happening very regularly and strong. I felt something, but not the pain. At 10 she decided to check me since I wasn't able to tell her what I was feeling. I was 7 cm. I remember looking at Mike and we both knew this baby was coming fast. He kept asking what he could do. With the other kids, I was in so much pain that he had lots to do to keep me comfortable. This time, he was looking for ways to help. At 10:30 my nurse asked if I was feeling pressure and I really couldn't tell. If I looked at the monitor and saw that I was having a contraction, I could usually notice pressure. Long story short, she checked me and I was almost 10cm. Mike said, "Call the doctor NOW (who was in her office across the street) because this baby will be here fast!" Everything seemed to happen in fast motion from this point on, yet it was relaxed and comfortable...if that is possible. My mid-wife, a back-up doctor and 4 nurses were at my bedside by 10:45. It almost felt like we were having a coffee date. As the nurses were setting up the table, the rest of us were telling stories and my mid-wife was singing to me. Mike's feeling of not knowing what to do and feeling out of place only got worse surrounded by all those females, I'm afraid. But he stood beside me for every minute. They asked me many times if I needed to push, and I had no idea. I couldn't feel a thing. I told them to tell me when it was time. 3 pushes later...our daughter entered the world.

I had always heard these amazing stories of deliveries when the baby was given immediately to their mother and I had hoped for that. With my previous ones there was too much concern over the baby and I was never able to have that moment. This time, as soon as Samantha was born they placed her slippery warm body on my chest...and I sobbed. She was perfect! Crying enough for us to know she was ok, but calmly as if she was aware of the significance. I was sobbing, nurses were cheering and Brahms Lullaby was playing throughout the entire hospital...all because this little person entered the world. At that moment my mind and heart were flooded with so many thoughts, emotions and memories that it was totally overwhelming. We had been totally surprised to learn we were having this little one and it honestly took us a few days to get excited initially. But now, with her gazing at me just seconds after birth...it all made perfect sense. We didn't know we were missing her, but God knew how much we all needed one another.

They eventually took her about 10 feet away to examine her. During those moments, I not only fell in love with this little child, but I fell even deeper in love with her Daddy. Michael would not let her out of his sight. He stood right next to her telling her about her big brother and sister and how much fun her life would be...loud and crazy, but full of love. He talked about how long we had waited to meet her and how thankful we were that she was finally here...and healthy. Even the nurses were commenting on what an amazing Daddy he was...and my heart was overflowing! I remember commenting that she seemed so little...and the nurses laughed out loud. Nathan weighed 9.11 at birth, and I knew she was much smaller. To the nurses, she was a big baby at 8.11...but as our smallest she seemed like a teeny thing. Once the hub-bub of doctors and nurses calmed down, they brought her back to me and it was just the two of us. This is where words fail me. Are there adequate words to describe the most perfect and meaningful moments of our life? I feel like they are all too weak and simple to describe the immense love and gratitude I have felt at the birth of each of my children. Each of them bringing up different emotions and feelings I never knew existed within me...love so deep it hurts.
The next moments and hours were so special. Bonding with this new little person, getting to know her sounds and movements and introducing her to her siblings...all priceless memories that I will write more about as time and emotion allow. For now, we marvel at yet another miracle! Samantha Grace, we are so in love with you and so thankful God chose us to be your family. More than anything, know that we are thankful for your life and seek to be the best parents to you and Paige and Nathan...teaching you life's important lessons and truths and helping you to see Jesus in everything around you, and show him to others just as much. We will fail...I am quite certain it has already happened. But know that we will use our moments of failure to do better next time. Your sister wanted to name you, "Flower." We decided Samantha was more fitting. Meaning "God heard," and "listener" seemed to be a great start for your life. Little did we know that the Greek definition of "antha" is FLOWER. Maybe Sissy was ahead of us on the name game. We love you little flower, and can't wait to see how you create your unique place in our family and this great big world that awaits you!!