one year...and half-in

One year ago today, we pulled out of our driveway and headed South. I remember the day too vividly. Parts of it felt surreal, and the anticipation of what was to come seemed overwhelming. Mostly, it was terrifying. Leaving all we knew as familiar for so much unknown. It's hard to believe it has been a year! So much has happened, which is normal. But is it normal that I still feel "half-in?" In almost every aspect of life right now, I feel like I'm half-in....and I don't like it!

We recently signed a lease extension on our house for 6 months. I love the house we are in, yet it is not ours. Makes me feel half-in. I can't paint any walls...white is getting VERY old! I don't want to spend a lot of money for room-specific decorations since we don't know how long we will be here. The semi-bare walls and lack of curtains get boring. I find myself actually considering gardening now that I am not working, but don't want to spend the money or time if we are not staying. It all just feels like we are half-in at home.

Our careers are in a strange place. Mike is working his tail off and doing well in regards to the job, but it feels half-in because it isn't a true career for him. He gives it all he has (and WAY more...I admire his dedication so much!), yet he doesn't believe in what he's doing and doesn't feel fulfilled. I've met all the requirements for SC in regards to being certified to do adoption work here, yet haven't started seeing families yet. When I do, I will do the majority of it from home. It feels like I'm half-in.

We have felt confident in our decision to make Live Oak our home church, yet we feel half-in there, as well. With Mike working 12 hours every week day and Saturdays, it doesn't allow for any extra time to be in ministry. We miss living life with teens and growing together in our ministry. We also haven't been able to join a small group, which means we are not connecting to other people much. We have the desire to do all of this and more, yet feel strapped in our abilities due to circumstances. It feels like we're half-in.

I have been trying to be more intentional about finding and making friends. I realize people won't come flocking to me seeking relationship (although it would be so nice, right?). So I attend Mom's Groups and connect with random people I meet at Lowe's, but true relationships take time so it feels like I'm half-in.

In case it's not obvious...I'm not a person that likes to live my life half-in...in any scenario. I like to give everything my best. I like to work hard and see results. I like to be in relationship with people on deep levels. I don't do well with surface crap. It's just not me. I'm struggling with all of this "half-in" frustration and continually giving it to God...again, and again! He is in all of this! Even when it feels like He is half-in, I know He doesn't do halves. I know He gave me the passion to live life full-on and will walk with me through this odd stage. I'm hoping I will learn valuable lessons from all of this discomfort. I'm hoping that God will work in ways so vividly that it will be impossible to deny His hand in the process. Maybe He will, maybe He won't...all part of my lesson I suppose.

So it's been a year! I am loving people deeper than ever, seeking God more passionately, clinging to Him with a much tighter grip and trying to embrace each day of the journey because it is making me into who He desires! I am hoping it doesn't take another full year to be living full-on, but I will trust in HIS timing because it is always perfect!