memory bank

I guess the anticipation of my sister and her family visiting got the best of me. Th let-down after a visit like that is never fun. We had a great week {before Easter} with them and were all very sad to see them go.

But, I guess the benefit to that is it makes the reunions so much more exciting. We bottle up the memories in our Memory Bank and cling to them until next time...which is now less than 2 months away. Nate has talked about Zach at least once a day since they were here and the girls were like old college roommates who couldn't get enough of each other. I realize these pictures are dated now since Easter was almost two months ago, but I don't get shots of all three kids very often. Poor Nate, he spent the following night in the ER with Croup so bad he couldn't get a breath in. We should have known when he refused to look or smile! When I was younger I used to pray for twin girls. Crazy, right? My grandfather was a twin, so apparently the odds were in my favor. I always thought it would be so much fun to have two at once and dress them alike....until I had my first child! They are all blessings, no matter how many come in a package, but I am thankful the Lord has given them to me one at a time! I was somewhat surprised when Paige started asking if she and Samantha could wear matching outfits. I guess I figured with 6 years between them, that would never be cool for her. Go figure...I was wrong! She LOVES to wear matching clothes and thinks it is the greatest! I can't find the words to describe the joy of watching my girls become sisters.

It has been so long since I posted, I feel like Samantha is a different person. She has grown into her personality so much. This is her latest...the squishy face.
If she sees me with the camera, this is what I get! This child melts my heart! She is unable to hide her love for people, particularly her big sister. If Paige is in the room, her eyes are locked and nothing can distract her from getting to her. She is ON-THE-GO!!! She figured out the crawling thing long ago and is starting to get bored with it. She pulls herself up on everything and is starting to take steps along the couch. I am never ready for these milestones, but I celebrate her growth and desire to learn new things. I didn't post about our most recent anticipation because I thought it would come faster if I held off. My Mom and Dad arrived TODAY!!!! I picked them up at the airport and we came home to celebrate Paige's last day of First grade {maybe another post coming soon on this because we are certainly not capable of having a child this age}!! Tomorrow we will celebrate her 7th birthday with her friends! We plan to cram all that we can into the next week. There is always more room in the Memory Bank!!!

Anticipation

The past few days have been full of anticipation! For Paige, it was initially about Spring Break starting. But since yesterday afternoon, it has focused on anticipating more of these moments...

This was taken in July 2009

And snuggle time for my kids with their Aunt Emmy...

And lots of time for fun and games with adorable cousins...

My sister and her family will land in Myrtle Beach within the hour, and the anticipation is about to kill me! Pictures to follow after a week of sun, sand and FAMILY FUN!!!!!

lately....

I have been amazed at the rate at which our little sponge is catching on to life. I am somewhat strange when it comes to my little ones getting bigger. I tend to avoid reality. Like, when my weekly e-mail arrives from babycenter.com about her development, I leave it untouched in my inbox. Somehow, I convince myself that if I don't open the e-mail with the title "Your baby at 7 months 4 weeks," then she will never actually get to 8 months. Crazy...I know. At the same time, being surrounded by families who struggle to have children or whose children struggle developmentally I fully realize what a blessing each developmental milestone is. There are no words strong enough to express how thankful I am for her health and growth. I just wish we could stretch out this stage a bit, as she is SO fun!!! Lately, she has been working on her first tooth... Nothing to show for it yet, but it's coming. Another strange thing about me...I don't like the arrival of the first tooth. I have cried for each of their first teeth because it takes so much of their baby-ness away when that gummy grin becomes toothy. And yet, it's so cute! She's gotten very into books! It runs in the family, and I think she is so used to seeing her brother and sister reading that she just thinks it's what you do. And she even talks to the animals... She has not only discovered her toes, but LOVES to eat them. I had forgotten how darn cute that is, and it has been added to my "Favorite Things of Spring" list. She is so desperately trying to keep up with her brother and sister, which means she needs to get to where they are. Up until this week she has rolled her way to wherever they are located, which is no longer sufficient for her. She is trying to crawl. She attempts to get up on her knees all the time... and then quickly lands in a face-plant, but it's coming! Don't even get me started on that! But mostly, she laughs and smiles and continues to amaze us with her ever-pleasant disposition. It is a rarity to hear her cry. And despite my best avoidant efforts, she is officially 8 months old! Lately, we've been soaking up everything family...which is perfection!

Defining moments

We've all experienced them, and part of the beauty of them is their uniqueness to the individual. And I have found that defining moments are not typically a precise moment, yet a moment in time. The entire sum of an experience. Sometimes the "moment" lasts a few hours, sometimes years...depending on how much patience we need to learn! 13 years ago today marks a precise moment in the biggest defining moment of my life. Some may say that Rebecca's birth itself was my defining moment. And in many ways, it was. The moment she entered this world truly changed me forever. My entire world was rocked to the core as I evaluated everything I had ever known to be true, based on this tiny little person. Motherhood changes everyone. But at 20 years old, facing an unimaginable decision, motherhood forced me to redefine the parts of me very few even knew. Rebecca's birth was one precise moment in the sum of the defining moment that forced me to learn that GOD IS ENOUGH! I have always been the type who needs to push the limit. I'm sure my parents would agree. If I was given a boundary, I wanted to know just how far I could push it. You know the drill...Dad says, "Don't set foot out of your bedroom!" And I would stand with my toes just on the edge of my doorway carpet, testing to see how much I could fudge it. That personality trait played a role in my faith, too. I knew God said He was in control, but I wanted to see just how much bargaining room He would give me. I knew he desired to be my all and everything, but I figured I could put Him somewhere on my top 5 list and be safe. During my pregnancy and the days that followed, I was looking for things to cling to. Something that would guarantee me less pain. Someone who would promise to be there beside me and follow through on their word. Some tangible evidence of peace to know that eventually, the turmoil I was feeling within my heart and soul could be redeemed for something better. I was pushing limits in order to find all of those things, when I knew that God was the only source for all of my longing. Although I began to see glimpses of it during my pregnancy and started pondering the possibility that God may just be ENOUGH, I wasn't convinced. It wasn't until those quiet, heartbreaking moments in a dark hospital room that I began to believe that God was ENOUGH...but it was just a beginning, not yet the culmination. I get a lot of different responses from people when they hear I am a birthmother. Some more pleasant than others, which I believe is just a lack of education in our society about the gift of adoption {an entirely different post}. And although the day I left the hospital without Rebecca certainly defined me as a birthmother, it was again, just one precise moment in the big picture of what God was doing inside of me, drawing me to Him to trust that He was ENOUGH! What followed that departure were some of the darkest days of my life. The grief was so deep it was often physically painful. I remember my mother sleeping on the floor next to my bed in hopes of her presence bringing peace and comfort to allow me to sleep a few hours at a time. I discovered quite quickly who my true friends were. Again, just small moments bringing me to realize that GOD IS ENOUGH. The story goes on from here with the discovery of a pre-cancerous tumor, the treatments that followed, the decision to leave home and attend a school 400 miles away from all that I knew. But in the end, soon after arriving at Spring Arbor I had finally accepted and firmly believed that God was ENOUGH! As always, it took a little longer for me to be convinced and I often wonder how my life would have been different if I weren't such a "tester" of truths. I get asked often about regret, and there is none! How could I regret the birth of an amazing person who God created for HIS purpose? How could I regret the events of my life that solidified my faith and proved to me that my God is ENOUGH? There is nothing this world could have offered me that would have helped me survive those days. No person could have comforted me enough to give me a total peace that Rebecca was exactly where she was created to be. I have stories of deep pain and raw emotion. I have scars that run deep through my heart for the pain I caused other people. But I honestly believe God has redeemed my pain, He has healed those secret scars and brought peace...because HE IS ENOUGH! So today I celebrate my firstborn, who is now a teenager! I thank God for every struggle and tear that played a part in the history of her existence, each precise moment. And I thank Him for sticking around through all the little moments of that journey to be ready when I proclaimed that He is ENOUGH! And my prayer for Rebecca, as she begins some of the most difficult years of her life is that she will learn quickly that her God is ENOUGH!

Guilty as charged

I have been accused by more than just a few people of neglecting things lately...email, facebook, this blog, etc. I accept full blame for that, even though I don't like it. Lately, it has been all I can do to complete the tasks of the day without neglecting the people I love the most. I draw the line somewhere, so I guess it is a positive that my family is getting their needs met.

This blog is slowly becoming what my scrapbooking has become...outdated, sporadic and overwhelming to think about. When I think about posting here, I start to think about the events and ideas I have not been able to add and decide the task is too daunting. But I am going to try and be better about that. I don't know who even reads this anymore, but if for nothing else, I want to keep adding things so it's here when my kids want to see it. Just like their scrapbooks. As incomplete as they are, the initial attempt is there...and someday an end result. I miss my monthly Friday night scrapbooking date with friends, which deserves an entire post of it's own. Our family albums have halted somewhere around Paige's first birthday {that would be June 2005} and Nathan's baby book ends around his 7th month {he just turned 4}. And don't get me started on Samantha. Poor kid! I have yet to even think about her album, but must take the plunge at some point lest she have the typical "3rd child" syndrome and feel totally overlooked and unloved by her parents. Then, when those albums are complete I will be going to full digital scrapbooking!

All that to say, I've missed this space. The place I share our journey...good and bad. The place I share pieces of our lives so one day, when the memories seem distant we can look back and feel like we are there again, if even just for a moment. Life passes by us whether we notice or not. My proof for that is realizing I have a little girl who will soon be 7, reading books I remember reading as a kid. {While her brother pays attention ever so intently}

Our little man is 4 now and registered for preschool in the fall. Our first mistake was telling him. He wakes up every morning asking if it's time to go to "cool." And our baby is 8 months old and losing her "baby" status more each day as she gets all around the house and has to be eating if anyone in her presence is eating. I'm trying to decrease the number of times I blink by 10% each day in hopes of enjoying these stages just a bit longer. I love how we mix a bucket of baby toys with pets and super heroes. Somehow it works and they all love to play within inches of one another.

And maybe I enjoy that because I know someday they will be forced to sit in the same room together without complaining. Maybe it's because of the innocence they still posses. I like to think it's mostly because I adore them and the relationships they are creating with one another. Whatever the variety of reasons, I am daily thankful for these little souls we have been blessed to share our lives with. Consider this as being caught up. Now...back to a somewhat more consistent schedule of blogging, I hope!

signs of spring

Even though our winter was nothing compared to what those in the North knew this year, it still felt oddly long. I always love the start of Spring and we are enjoying all that comes with it, like evenings at local playgrounds...
teeny-tiny bare feet...Saturdays at "our" beach before the tourists arrive...

Ridiculously expensive sugary treats purchased from a rusted out little truck that plays Christmas carols as it drives through the neighborhood begging for suckers like us to throw our money away...

And who can resist an afternoon nap on the beach...
Life continues to be full and chaotic...wonderful and challenging. We had our first of a list of anticipated visitors last week, and we are excited! Is it strange that our kids don't get sad when a visitor leaves, yet immediately ask who is coming next and start the countdown to that visit? I like to think they are already embracing "the cup is half-full" theory on life! For those who had to pull their snow boots out again this week, may this be an encouragement to you that SPRING IS COMING!!!

6 month Sunday!

Our baby is half a year old today! I have never liked the 6 month birthday, because it always implies they are that much closer to being a year old. Yet, it is by far my favorite milestone/developmental stage because she is truly becoming her own little person and starting to learn how to navigate in this big world.

Samantha seems to be cutting some teeth, is not a big fan of real food and continues to be the most content little soul you'll ever meet. She is sleeping at least 12 hours at night {and has been since she was 11 weeks old}. At her most recent doctor's appointment {did I mention we have been there at least once a week since 1-1-11?} she weighed 19 pounds.

She thinks her brother is hilarious and laughs whenever he walks in the room. She already adores her big sister and has to watch her every move when she is in eye-sight. She is rolling all over the place and starting to push up on her hands.
And after horribly long days at work, when I feel like the worst mother in the world and wonder if she will begin to wonder who I am, I am always greeted with the biggest smile and her little noise that we know means she is excited. My heart melts every time. The past 6 months have been amazing with her in our little family.

Despite the fact that {yet again} Samantha spiked a fever mid-day and Nate woke up with pink eye yesterday, we decided {strike that, NEEDED} to go to the beach today. It was near 70, we all have cabin fever and the waves were calling our names. I figured we wouldn't be sharing germs out in the fresh air, so we went. And as usual, as soon as we pulled into our little parking spot, I questioned why we had waited so long. Yes, it's been cold. Yes, our kids have been sick for an ENTIRE MONTH. But once we set foot on this peaceful spot, it soothes me and calms my heart. And watching the Daddy my once boy-friend has become, never ceases to amaze me.Don't get me wrong. I always knew he would be a good Daddy. But watching him in action as he chases them down the coast and as he shows them how to build the perfect sandcastle is something I never imagined. We had our traditional "beach doughnuts." {and never washed the excess chocolate off messy faces until we got home}Some ran and ran until their little feet couldn't run any further, while others quickly fell asleep to the peaceful ins-and-outs of the waves.

It's been a long month. I miss my family in NY. I miss my kids when I am at work. I miss my husband when days and nights are long with sick kids. I miss "old" friends who don't have to ask how I'm doing because we are so close they just know. I miss having the energy to do fun and exciting things with my kids, instead of cramming every odd job and needed chore into the spare moments I have each day. But I can't focus on those things, or I quickly become the grumpy mom I dread. I can be honest and admit {through streams of tears} that it's time for a break. But after a day like today, with the sunshine reminding me Spring WILL come again and watching my kids find such joy in God's creation, I have refueled my tank just enough to get me through yet another long week.