Defining moments

We've all experienced them, and part of the beauty of them is their uniqueness to the individual. And I have found that defining moments are not typically a precise moment, yet a moment in time. The entire sum of an experience. Sometimes the "moment" lasts a few hours, sometimes years...depending on how much patience we need to learn! 13 years ago today marks a precise moment in the biggest defining moment of my life. Some may say that Rebecca's birth itself was my defining moment. And in many ways, it was. The moment she entered this world truly changed me forever. My entire world was rocked to the core as I evaluated everything I had ever known to be true, based on this tiny little person. Motherhood changes everyone. But at 20 years old, facing an unimaginable decision, motherhood forced me to redefine the parts of me very few even knew. Rebecca's birth was one precise moment in the sum of the defining moment that forced me to learn that GOD IS ENOUGH! I have always been the type who needs to push the limit. I'm sure my parents would agree. If I was given a boundary, I wanted to know just how far I could push it. You know the drill...Dad says, "Don't set foot out of your bedroom!" And I would stand with my toes just on the edge of my doorway carpet, testing to see how much I could fudge it. That personality trait played a role in my faith, too. I knew God said He was in control, but I wanted to see just how much bargaining room He would give me. I knew he desired to be my all and everything, but I figured I could put Him somewhere on my top 5 list and be safe. During my pregnancy and the days that followed, I was looking for things to cling to. Something that would guarantee me less pain. Someone who would promise to be there beside me and follow through on their word. Some tangible evidence of peace to know that eventually, the turmoil I was feeling within my heart and soul could be redeemed for something better. I was pushing limits in order to find all of those things, when I knew that God was the only source for all of my longing. Although I began to see glimpses of it during my pregnancy and started pondering the possibility that God may just be ENOUGH, I wasn't convinced. It wasn't until those quiet, heartbreaking moments in a dark hospital room that I began to believe that God was ENOUGH...but it was just a beginning, not yet the culmination. I get a lot of different responses from people when they hear I am a birthmother. Some more pleasant than others, which I believe is just a lack of education in our society about the gift of adoption {an entirely different post}. And although the day I left the hospital without Rebecca certainly defined me as a birthmother, it was again, just one precise moment in the big picture of what God was doing inside of me, drawing me to Him to trust that He was ENOUGH! What followed that departure were some of the darkest days of my life. The grief was so deep it was often physically painful. I remember my mother sleeping on the floor next to my bed in hopes of her presence bringing peace and comfort to allow me to sleep a few hours at a time. I discovered quite quickly who my true friends were. Again, just small moments bringing me to realize that GOD IS ENOUGH. The story goes on from here with the discovery of a pre-cancerous tumor, the treatments that followed, the decision to leave home and attend a school 400 miles away from all that I knew. But in the end, soon after arriving at Spring Arbor I had finally accepted and firmly believed that God was ENOUGH! As always, it took a little longer for me to be convinced and I often wonder how my life would have been different if I weren't such a "tester" of truths. I get asked often about regret, and there is none! How could I regret the birth of an amazing person who God created for HIS purpose? How could I regret the events of my life that solidified my faith and proved to me that my God is ENOUGH? There is nothing this world could have offered me that would have helped me survive those days. No person could have comforted me enough to give me a total peace that Rebecca was exactly where she was created to be. I have stories of deep pain and raw emotion. I have scars that run deep through my heart for the pain I caused other people. But I honestly believe God has redeemed my pain, He has healed those secret scars and brought peace...because HE IS ENOUGH! So today I celebrate my firstborn, who is now a teenager! I thank God for every struggle and tear that played a part in the history of her existence, each precise moment. And I thank Him for sticking around through all the little moments of that journey to be ready when I proclaimed that He is ENOUGH! And my prayer for Rebecca, as she begins some of the most difficult years of her life is that she will learn quickly that her God is ENOUGH!